Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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