I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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