My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
