let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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