Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
