It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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