She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
