I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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