I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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