and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
