Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
