She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
