I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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