There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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