look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
