My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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