How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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