According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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