so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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