worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
