They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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