In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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