is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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