there's paper in my vomit.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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