she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
