Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
