4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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