Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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