I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
