Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
