How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
