I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
