I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
