I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
