Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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