Your face is a jimmy john
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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