At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
