I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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