How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
