I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
