Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Someone signed my nipple.
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