I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize