Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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