tonight lets celebrate not being married
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize