you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
