did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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