mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
