3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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