i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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