you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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