I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
