take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My balls are so social today.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
