he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
