okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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