I am puke
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
