What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
