I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
