I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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