You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
