i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
