i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
