why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
