Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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