I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
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using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
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I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize